What went wrong? Or What might be?
I have pondered this question as I enter in a season of letting go of the brokenness, entering into deeper conversations with those around me, and as I look into grasping at what makes me alive. I feel more alive than I have in a long time, yet I am in a season where the Lord is breaking me. The great paradox of feeling a deep sense of protecting myself, in that I am running away from closeness, yet yearning for intimacy. Daily, I am fighting this great battle for my heart, for the hearts of others- and each day my natural inclination is to fall on the “what went wrong?” side of the spectrum. This negative questioning strips me of life, squandering all sense of hope, refrains from acknowledging that God may be making sense of the wrong… and instead, I fight to change my perspective to “what might be?” It is more life giving, it gives back to God, his sovereignty, his merciful gift to us- that when I am at my weakest, He is strong. That His promise is real- My power is made perfect in your weakness. He is taking that ugly, brown piece of clay and forming it, molding it into something so beautiful- when glazed over, it comes out bright, colorful, refined, and perfect. I am weak. I am broken. I have failed him. But yet, He looks at me and says, “What might be?”
What might be? (closeness)
In the midst of watching the time fly by, my sister continues to plan her wedding (June 12) and will be moving to Minnesota for grad-school. For the first time since college, we lived in the same area and now she will be moving. We have dinner every week. We talk, laugh, vent, cry and share life TOGETHER. I will be losing my best friend. What am I going to do? Don’t even know if I will make it through the ceremony without a river of tears and the thought of my Monday or Tuesday dinner nights makes me really feel sick and lonely.
What might be? (hopefulness)
As we met with our teams for my assignment this summer at Windy Gap, I get to be with my Young Life leader and her family, my old and new area director, some old friends and new! I am going to be doing Real Life and my parents are going to be Adult Guest’s for the first time in my 12 years of doing YL! Will they be ready to hear “my story” with all of its ugliness, brokenness, hurt and pain? Will they be able to let go of some of their pride and face me airing my dirty laundry so that I can be real in front of 350 high school kids each week? Will they be moved to tears, affected in a real way by Christ? Will their hearts be changed like mine was June 12, 1999?
What might be? (peace)
Praying over a daughter of one of our leaders, as she lay unconscious in the ICU with tubes and a breathing machine- knowing that 2 high school girls did CPR, probably saved her life. Young Life at Sweetwater won’t be the same until Savannah comes back with all of the life and aroma of Christ that she brings. Watching her dad, Steve, trust in Jesus and watch Jesus be peace in the midst of this storm.
What might be? (delight)
Josh Turbeyville isn’t moving to Africa. He brings energy, vision and intentionality to our Loudon team. He calls me “boss,” which always makes me laugh and roll my eyes. He decided to stay and release his application for the Peace Corp. Josh was chasing after our seniors, wonder who will come across his path next year. I know that I am relieved and excited that I get to partner with this guy!
What might be? (anticipation)
Saying good-bye to Katie and Rachel, whom I have come to love dearly in our training times in Knox. Selfishly, I can’t understand going off Young Life staff (and leaving me); but asking for them, “what might be?” I can’t wait to hear about what God is doing, and makes me laugh/smile to know that He already knows!
There is life within the “might be”…there is closeness, hopefulness, peace, delight, anticipation and oh so much more, much sweeter things to come. I desire the new set of eyes to anticipate, as He reveals slowly day-by-day His perfect will. I wonder what might be?
